bizzness

2009-08-26T11:16:00.000-07:00

it's 1:17. still no nicolette. bring on the choke scene...

reason enough to come back...

2009-08-25T13:44:00.000-07:00

i bet fran $1 that nicolette wouldn't be in the office until after 11:00am tomorrow.
fran accepted the bet, under the circumstances that instead of betting $1 she gets to choke nicolette. we shook on it.

crossing my fingers for a choke scene...

i cant wait.

2009-04-09T09:40:00.000-07:00

- p. ness
- lewie
- 134 candy filled eggs
- 1 honey baked ham
- bottomless blood orange mimosa's
- pirates

bring it on easter.

2009-04-07T13:48:00.000-07:00

i kinda miss new york.

2009-03-19T12:47:00.000-07:00

i'm crushing HARD on ray j right now.

i need a distraction.

om on the range...

2009-03-03T12:45:00.000-08:00

i start bikram yoga tonight with my 68 year old boss. 50% of me wants to start taking yoga again and the other 50% is making sure fran doest keel over in the 112 degree heat. all 100% knows it will make for endless amounts of hilarity.

what you didn't know.

2009-01-30T14:03:00.000-08:00

my mom used to be a magicians assistant.

baby it's cold outside.

2009-01-29T14:21:00.001-08:00

home sweet home...

blackout.

2009-01-28T12:44:00.000-08:00

i got to work late yesterday (naturally), to find the entire building had a power outage. in fewer words than none - it was bizarre.

i think i love blackouts. yesterday we giggled, girl talked, movie reviewed, played flashlight tag, found out my boss was born in 1940, and then got sent home at 11:30.

i spent the remainder of the day at the aquarium looking at fishies, sharks, three monkeys, a sea otter, and an anaconda. i topped off my dream day at $6 movie night with free popcorn and benjamin button. pure bliss.

i miss snow days.

vegas.

2009-01-22T12:58:00.000-08:00

i just recovered from my 4 day bender in las vegas and i have nothing to show for it except for a depleted bank account, 185 pictures, a video of alan eating a ketchup packet in it's entirety, and a lost dignity. sure i made out with an 85 year old man with an oxygen tank, and accidentally charged $250 to his hotel room via an electronic poker machine, but at the end of the day - it was a successful trip.

next stop? kimbowl.

memories...

2009-01-14T10:00:00.000-08:00

i'm touching your face...

an ode to an era...

2009-01-08T14:31:00.000-08:00

in honor of this very important day i thought i'd write a haiku...

blonde days are long gone
please do not get arrested
fire crotch, freckles, and fun

au revoir you blond little man.

pyrotechnics?

2009-01-08T11:21:00.000-08:00

my secret santa gave me a space heater for christmas, im starting to feel guilty for bitching about the gift now that i’m toasty warm all the time. i always forget my cubical reaches subterranean temperatures, i attribute this to my scarf fetish. that and the fact that i enjoy things to be tightly bound around my neck. not like asphyxiation or anything, i just find it comforting…too far?

anyhoo, i came in on monday to a yellow post-it note on my computer screen reading- “FIRE HAZARD (arrow to space heater). PLEASE TURN OFF.” i was pleasantly surprised when i came in today and found yet another post-it note, “THIS IS NOT A JOKE. TURN OFF.”

what can i say, i'm forgetful. but in all seriousness, think the third time’s a charm?

birfday.

2009-01-06T11:20:00.000-08:00

i’ve spent the afternoon being showered in gifts- let’s play a game called “guess my age!”

1. a lunch box with an embroidered M.
2. a pink hannah montana hair glitter stick
3. two miniature york peppermint patties
4. a miniature rainbow lotion kit
5. a classic game pen kit featuring operation, barrel of moneys, tinkertoy, and etchAsketch. all pens. yes, pens.
6. a silver and red plastic tiara (which i’m currently wearing).
7. a cubical filled with mint green, pink, and yellow streamers.
8. one large “HAPPY BIRTHDAY” balloon
9. one large “You’re SO SPECIAL!” balloon
10. ten (non helium) “happy birthday” balloons- again in pink, mint green, blue and purple.
11. a large cooking pot.
12. a GIGANTIC hersheys bar.
13. and this…

now guess my age…

updates.

2009-01-05T14:33:00.000-08:00

the last week of my life? debauchery at it’s finest.

monday, december 29th- danced the night away at evil olive. left around 2:30am. ran into jacob talking to a homeless woman named bobby, saw them open mouth kissing and left him alone on the corner. went to bed at 5am after a night filled with girl talk and sexts.

tuesday, december 30th- bought a new toothbrush, was afraid mine touched jacobs after his open mouth escapades. bought large box of penis shaped straws. went to a bachelorette party. remembered i hate bachelorette parties. started taking tequila shots, came to- realized i was slow dancing with a little person named vince who was from canada and only spoke french. video documentation coming soon…

wednesday, december 31st. – threw raging new years eve speakeasy themed party. hung out with p. ness, tortured volpe while she was passed out in bed, found my living room filled with 15 random bulgarians.

thursday, january 1st- spent the day entertaining the infamous timmy reed. slept. lots.

friday, january 2nd- came to work because i thought i would be the only one in the office. found erin (who’s 9 months pregnant) and frances hanging out around the table. erin went into labor around 3:00pm, water breakage and all. drove her to the hospital. missed the wedding. made up for lost time at the reception though a bottomless glass of wine. ended the night at 5 star followed by my kitchen. new friends= 5 star every weekend. trouble.

saturday, january 3rd- went to prost after sitting on the couch for about 7 hours straight. jeff danced in a banana suit on top of the bar. scored shots from the owner. went to big city for some flirts and free beer.

need. sleep.

jokes.

2009-01-05T14:05:00.000-08:00

i just shook hands with stedman graham while carrying a special little disease i like to call conjunctivitis. the projected result? i just gave oprah pink eye.

worth the hangover...

2008-12-01T10:31:00.000-08:00

i performed the cardigans "love fool" last night at duffys and walked away with an envelope filled with $125 bucks. the grand prize was $250 but the dude i was against in the final round got scared and insisted we "split the winnings."

jerk.

and...

2008-10-31T13:50:00.000-07:00

it's halloween. im tampering with the idea of being this-

man yelp.

2008-10-31T13:40:00.000-07:00

chim chim (via craigslist) set me up on a blind date last night.
turns out the kids kinda cool.

he likes music.
he's in a band.
his bands name sucks.
i made him give me said bands cd.
its not awful.
we share the same interests.
we share the same documentary dreams.
he likes rollercoasters.
he hates carnie rides.
his mom's a teacher, my mom's a teacher.
his dad's a lawyer, my dad was a lawyer.
he's on team ghost child.
he has a cute southern accent.
he laughs at everything.
he takes notes.
he's riding critical mass tonight dressed up as burt reynolds.
he travels.
he lives with his band.

lets get married?

i just puked.

2008-10-17T12:37:00.000-07:00

nicolette keeps talking about kotex pads.

this is the shit i deal with.

2008-10-16T12:05:00.001-07:00

just got this little diddy...

Hi Maggie!

I just happened to see your FB because Jacob and I are 'friends'- Student Communications is trying to get a hold of you- they need a pic of you for some project you did with them? Do you mind shooting them an email?

Hope you are well!

Best, Jennifer (Manifest!)

good lord, will it ever end?

cab driver story #1213443

2008-10-13T13:52:00.000-07:00

i came-to on saturday night and was beating the shit out of jacob who was passed out and snoring in the back of a cab. the cab driver pulled over and started screaming, threatening to turn me in for domestic abuse. i was laughing uncontrollably...the cab driver didn't think it was too funny.

and ps...

2008-10-02T15:00:00.000-07:00

on a sad note- my ladies adventure camp lunch box was submerged in soy sauce today and now smells like a chinese prostitute. i thought about throwing her in the washing machine but i think this may be the end...

RIP little lady, you've been good to me.

hot dammmn gurl!

2008-10-02T14:58:00.000-07:00

beck tonight with mgmt.

spooky.

2008-10-01T14:09:00.000-07:00

my fear of phones is currently being put to the test as i've spent the entire day calling pbs programmers. uuummmm, i can't even order a pizza. i knew i was headed down a horrible path when i called the front desk at KENW and asked for "ronnie." she paused and said, "ronnie is dead." i awkwardly hung up.

i've made 45 calls so far. out of those 45 i've talked to 3 people and left 42 voicemails. at first i thought i was in my own personal hell until i found out that station relation people make ridiculous amounts of money. sure i may be violently shaking each time i pick-up the receiver but compared to most jobs it's fairly simple. i think i'm going to give it a shot.

whoops.

2008-09-25T13:16:00.000-07:00

fran came up behind me this morning and started rubbing my back. she awkwardly stopped once she hit the upper-mid section and asked "are you wearing a bra?" i spun around in my chair and just stared.

the answer to her question is no. i am not wearing a bra*. was that a good idea? probably not. but in my own defense i wasn't expecting a rubdown in my cubical this morning by my 68 year old lady-boss. i was uncomfortable and wanted a little freedom, give me a break.

*i am wearing a tank top with built in support. im pretty sure it's the same tank top that in 2006 inspired the hit single "tank top titties."

jokes?

2008-09-09T11:52:00.000-07:00

ive spent the last hour listening to bomis tell jokes to his girlfriend on the phone. i can’t tell which is worse, the actual content of the jokes or her laughing hysterically on the other end.

“how do you make gold soup?”
{uncontrollable laughter}
“ADD 14 CARROTS!”

“how do you fix a broken pizza?”
{ rolling on the ground laughing}
“USE TOMATO PASTE!”

“what do you call an elephant with bananas in it’s ears?”
{BHHHAHL!!!!!!!”}
“AN ELEPHANT! WITH BANANAS! IN HIS EARS!!!”

ummmm in completely unrelated news, i have a secret…

gotcha!

2008-09-05T11:38:00.000-07:00

(.) (.)

negotiations.

2008-08-28T12:39:00.001-07:00

you know you’ve hit an all-time high when the highlight of your day is watching the pregnant woman who sits next to you rip off the scrabble piece from her $5 footlong while you cross your fingers in anticipation of the letter ‘R”. i think i knew i was done for when she went on vacation and i couldn’t resist walking to subway myself, knowing i couldn’t go a day without feeling that rush. im planning on hitting the jackpot and using subway scrabble pieces to fund the rest of my life.

when said fortune is received i’ll buy said pregnant woman a crib, quit my job, and start negotiating with chad evans re: our production company. once in place we’ll get the ball rolling on our first major motion picture, “dreamers.” this will make us millions. i’d go into details but the sheer brilliance of the project can’t be shared at this early of a date. copyrights are in the works.

other plans include buying a dog and going to rainbo club every night of the week. this, my friends, is perfection.

is that...dietzler?

2008-08-21T15:09:00.000-07:00

i spent a good amount of time swapping wasted stories with my drunkles this weekend who as a wedding gift gave my brother a large envelope filled with pot. i think by far the best part of growing up is legally being able to get absolutely shlitzed with your family and knowing they’re equally as intoxicated as you.

i was talking to larry, my dad’s best friend who drives a greyhound bus to various locations across the country. they met in third grade and talked every. single. day.

“do you want to know what that fucker did to me?” larry shouted in reference to my dad as he took a swig of his pecker- head. the pecker-head was a bud ness special which tastes like vomit and is a combination of yukon jack whisky, amaretto and pineapple juice.

larry told me about the time my dad signed him up for a fisting website who still to this day sends him e-mails filled with pornographic images of women getting pounded. when i asked why he didn’t just unsubscribe he told me it was lifetime subscription, and a constant reminder of my father…i guess we all have our own little keepsakes.

i almost died once.

2008-08-08T13:21:00.001-07:00

i used to think kelly propt from down the street was the shit. my fondest memory of kelly was on a hot summer day when we were playing house in her basement. i really had to pee so i headed upstairs, she told me to meet her outside when i was done. i went out-back and saw her struggling to roll a large picnic cooler across the grass. i parked myself next to the cooler, watched her open it up and a rabid cat jumped out and franticly started running around in circles. she told me she found it a few days earlier and had been hiding it from her parents. in the cooler. for 3 days. if i liked cats i probably would have said something to her mom. instead i just let it go. she kept it for about 2 weeks before the thing bit her and ran off. she probably deserved it.

the only time i ever tried to steal an animal was when i was living in ohio. my best friend emily lived next door to a peacock farm so we would always steal feathers and parade them around for weeks. we tried to steal a peacock once. we got caught. a week later we went back and stole 3 peacock eggs…they never hatched.

i think my best childhood memories were spent with emily, i’m starting to think it’s because she’s the only person who was equally as weird as I was at the ripe age of 6.

i used to make her play phantom of the opera with me. mind you, i had never seen the show, she had never seen the show, but we were OBSESSED. i of course ALWAYS played christine daae- she hated me for this. being cast as the role of christine meant i got to wear the better costume. i’m such a bitch.

i once made emily go ice skating with me. she lived on a few acres of land and her dad had built a man-made pool the summer before, it was a pretty sweet set-up. with the winter olympics being on i thought we should try figure skating. we didn’t actually have skates or parental supervision so we opted for the next best thing: her older brother’s rollerblades. being the badass that i am i stepped on to the ice first- falling through, gasping for air and becoming submerged in ice water. because i was wearing GIGANTIC rollerblades that when wet weighed in at about 10lbs each I was fucked. i couldn’t get out- it was the closest thing to a near-death experience i’ve had to date.

rebuttle

2008-08-08T13:19:00.001-07:00

oh hey chim chim! ever seen this?

just incase...

2008-08-07T08:51:00.000-07:00

i cant hang out with you tonight because i will be here.

lollapalosers 2008.

2008-08-04T13:00:00.000-07:00

below is a boring lollapalooza post outlining some of my favorite moments of the weekend. it’s filled with silly inside jokes that aren’t cleaver or witty. i plan on following this post with something much more appealing to the general public, it's going be so funny you wont know what to do with yourself.

for those of you who did have the pleasure of attending lolla, you may enjoy some of these little gems. pictures soon to follow...

sharing sunglasses with andrew vanwyngarden.
a perfectly planned bus ride every afternoon.
chuck dropping his phone in the porta-potty.
free sandwiches.
18 year olds.
16 year olds.
chuck dropping his phone in the porta-potty.
running into ever single kickballer in the world.
my panther tat.
applying my panther tat during wilco.
guest appearances.
dj momjeans.
bachelorette parties.
saMANtha “dance party” on our portable “dance floor.”
lindsay lohan spotting.
chuck dropping his phone in the porta-potty.
hot man with the handicap.
jacobs. fucking. hat.

in my outlook.

2008-08-01T10:38:00.000-07:00

cupcakes, glitter, love shrines, crafts.

quite possibly the greatest e-mail subject line ever.

i'm a philanthropist.

2008-07-31T11:20:00.000-07:00

i'm trying to make my good friends dreams come true. please help by sending donations. i bet he'd even let you play with it.

its. only. wednesday.

2008-07-30T10:08:00.000-07:00

one of the requirements of my job is to set “goals” for myself. are. you. serious? goals? these goals are to be measured throughout the year and my completion of said goals will determine my review, which determines my raise, which then in-turn determines my happiness and overall well being.

i’m having a hard time concentrating right now because bomis is going to town on some baked barbecue lays and it’s literally making me want to vomit. bomis, for all of you avid readers who don’t have the pleasure of sitting in my cubical, is this weird little man who sits directly on the other side of my wall. he’s the sprite like creature who runs our station’s pbs kids van, and like most inappropriately creepy people he’s always wearing a vest and frequently brings me gummy bears. to say he’s a pedophile would be an understatement.

if you dabble in goal setting let me know, in the mean time i’m going to sit back and reminisce about last night. highlights include:
free popcorn (it was a tuesday so this is obviously a given)
nathan, the man that ruined my first ever public karaoke rendition of “papa don’t preach,” who interprets push-ups as a dance move and sports this season’s hottest new fashion trend- back sweat.
a rent sing-a-long
a cab driver who laughed at my jokes

countdown for the weekend has begun.

in my double wide...

2008-07-29T13:59:00.000-07:00

i’m starting to become so mischievous i can’t even take it. the scary part is i haven’t been this happy at work in a long, long time. i can’t tell if it’s because i’m not doing anything or if i’m numb to the fact that i spend all my time finding new and innovative ways to entertain myself.

the fact that i don’t have internet at my house probably plays a big role in this equation. the time i used to spend milling around mindless websites when i should have been sleeping has now turned into a work exercise. thank you perez hilton for posting a soundstage clip. now looking at your website is 100% acceptable, i think it’s safe to say it’s encouraged.

the past month of my life has consisted primarily of the following things:

i strategically spread papers out on my desk and scribble away non-sense.
i make lists of important tasks and once in a while i “crunch numbers.”
i only eat lunch at my desk.
i’ve cut off 90% of all communication i ever had with people in the building.
i show up at 10:00am sharp.
i leave at 5:00pm. sharp.
i stopped answering my phone unless its chim chim or volpe. this becomes awkward when people walk up to my desk and realize i’ve been screening their calls.
my boss asked me if i was a terrorist. i said yes.

ahhh...being a mature adult.

bring it.

2008-07-25T12:53:00.001-07:00

now now...i dont want any of you to get your hopes up. but there has been some talk of the first ever all-american blog off. details to follow.

in more important news- we're officially famous.

paching!

2008-07-23T08:17:00.000-07:00

i just fell in love with my barista.

i like the idea of coffee, and now that i'm actively trying to increase my worth by partaking in "hip" activities i think coffee is a habit i should pick up. the only drink i can force down is an iced mocha. someone at starbucks decided to discontinue the "skinny mocha" syrup so my favorite drink is virtually impossible to come by. thank god my future boyfriend ordered 15 bottles before its discontinuation. it happens to be his favorite drink as well, he guaranteed me at least 14 more months of mocha's.

he gave me an extra shot. i plan on making this a wednesday morning ritual.

hello?

2008-07-18T12:26:00.001-07:00

i just found a 15 year old boy sleeping in our storage room. awkward?

slacker.

2008-06-12T12:48:00.000-07:00

i've been trying to learn how to write with my left hand while surfing the internet using my mouse. i believe this will dramatically increase my efficiency at work. so far it's going well. updates soon.

blah blah blah

2008-05-08T10:49:00.000-07:00

i hate work.
i want to sleep.
i need the weekend.
someone stole my disinfectant wipes. this is the third time.
i have an unhealthy obsession with old (really old) creepy men.
i've started drinking coffee.
i hate coffee.
i don't want to start packing up my apartment.
this years kickball crop is sub-par.
i need a vacation.

can i borrow a dollar?

2008-05-06T14:19:00.000-07:00

i found a sacajawea on the street today.

shortly after basking in it's glory the girl who's desk is near mine asked if she could borrow a dollar. i said yes and handed her the shiny gold coin. she said it was worthless. psquse me? i told her she was worthless.

i'm sure you've been wondering where my blogs have been. i've actually taken up a new hobby, it's called home wrecking. perhaps i'll start blogging about it. in the mean time, kickball starts tomorrow. let the games begin.

euphoria.

2008-04-11T14:33:00.000-07:00

team bonanza city is currently in 2nd place. i know we're good bowlers. but i didn't know we were this good. we keep climbing up the charts, making enemies and winning pitchers of beer. deal with it.

frances is in the office next to me talking about "blazz." a mixture between blues and jazz. she spent lunch today talking about a "scientific study" she just read. this "phd" claims the shape of a woman's mouth is the same as their vagina. a pouty lip indicates "a euphoric"sexual experience. uhhhhhhh...

it's finally fucking friday. talk about a long week.

how i got pneumonia

2008-04-10T12:36:00.001-07:00

thanks kim for making me go outside in this awesome weather! i always forget how much i love standing in the rain when it's 35 degrees while holding a large box and pounding on a door which is obviously leading to hell.

i'm going to bowl my face off tonight. im even thinking about ordering some onion rings. ive had a horrible hankering for mcdonalds chicken nuggets, a five piece would seriously turn me in to the worlds greatest bowler. maybe a side of fries, perhaps an orange drink? gross.

i've offered to travel to vermont and pretend to be alan bakers girlfriend for the weekend. can you say disaster.com?

seeing eye dog?

2008-04-03T13:14:00.001-07:00

so i was feeling a little off today, could have been the ragger i pulled last night, or maybe because i forgot to put my contacts in this morning. i chose the latter.

titty tat? still not gone.
chugging a bottle of wine on the way to debonaire? probably not a good idea.
bowling without contacts in? chad evans is going to kill me...

ugh.

2008-04-02T15:27:00.000-07:00

top 5 pet peeves of today-

1. mindless conversations
the woman who sits next to me came over today and was telling me about her loud neighbor. she responded to my awkward “i’m now pausing because i have nothing else to say, please go back to your desk” move with, “the trees are budding….” :::awkward silence:::: “i took my cat to the vet yesterday ::::awkward silence:::

2. the woman i constantly run into in the bathroom
she washes her face to avoid any communication.

3. my intern
he’s my intern by day, dj by night. he’s fallen off the face of the earth and stopped returning my calls. my guess is too many jager bombs.

4. nick-nacks
i keep getting stuffed objects given to me as gifts. they’re not cute little pbs trinkits, they’re more along the lines of “i found this in the sale bin at walgreens.” its quite embarrassing to have people come check out my double wide cubical and see not only my leopard print lamp shade but a wide array of trashed up objects. i’d hate to hurt anyone’s feelings but this is becoming absurd- flea market absurd.

5. whomever has been stealing my time out magazine and returning it a week later.

my ink

2008-04-01T11:39:00.000-07:00

i put two temporary tattoos on saturday night. one of them wont come off, its strategically placed on my left breast. i completely forgot about it and wore a shirt today that keeps slipping down and revealing a large scorpion dragon.