negotiations.

you know you’ve hit an all-time high when the highlight of your day is watching the pregnant woman who sits next to you rip off the scrabble piece from her $5 footlong while you cross your fingers in anticipation of the letter ‘R”. i think i knew i was done for when she went on vacation and i couldn’t resist walking to subway myself, knowing i couldn’t go a day without feeling that rush. im planning on hitting the jackpot and using subway scrabble pieces to fund the rest of my life.

when said fortune is received i’ll buy said pregnant woman a crib, quit my job, and start negotiating with chad evans re: our production company. once in place we’ll get the ball rolling on our first major motion picture, “dreamers.” this will make us millions. i’d go into details but the sheer brilliance of the project can’t be shared at this early of a date. copyrights are in the works.

other plans include buying a dog and going to rainbo club every night of the week. this, my friends, is perfection.

is that...dietzler?

i spent a good amount of time swapping wasted stories with my drunkles this weekend who as a wedding gift gave my brother a large envelope filled with pot. i think by far the best part of growing up is legally being able to get absolutely shlitzed with your family and knowing they’re equally as intoxicated as you.

i was talking to larry, my dad’s best friend who drives a greyhound bus to various locations across the country. they met in third grade and talked every. single. day.

“do you want to know what that fucker did to me?” larry shouted in reference to my dad as he took a swig of his pecker- head. the pecker-head was a bud ness special which tastes like vomit and is a combination of yukon jack whisky, amaretto and pineapple juice.

larry told me about the time my dad signed him up for a fisting website who still to this day sends him e-mails filled with pornographic images of women getting pounded. when i asked why he didn’t just unsubscribe he told me it was lifetime subscription, and a constant reminder of my father…i guess we all have our own little keepsakes.

i almost died once.

i used to think kelly propt from down the street was the shit. my fondest memory of kelly was on a hot summer day when we were playing house in her basement. i really had to pee so i headed upstairs, she told me to meet her outside when i was done. i went out-back and saw her struggling to roll a large picnic cooler across the grass. i parked myself next to the cooler, watched her open it up and a rabid cat jumped out and franticly started running around in circles. she told me she found it a few days earlier and had been hiding it from her parents. in the cooler. for 3 days. if i liked cats i probably would have said something to her mom. instead i just let it go. she kept it for about 2 weeks before the thing bit her and ran off. she probably deserved it.

the only time i ever tried to steal an animal was when i was living in ohio. my best friend emily lived next door to a peacock farm so we would always steal feathers and parade them around for weeks. we tried to steal a peacock once. we got caught. a week later we went back and stole 3 peacock eggs…they never hatched.

i think my best childhood memories were spent with emily, i’m starting to think it’s because she’s the only person who was equally as weird as I was at the ripe age of 6.

i used to make her play phantom of the opera with me. mind you, i had never seen the show, she had never seen the show, but we were OBSESSED. i of course ALWAYS played christine daae- she hated me for this. being cast as the role of christine meant i got to wear the better costume. i’m such a bitch.

i once made emily go ice skating with me. she lived on a few acres of land and her dad had built a man-made pool the summer before, it was a pretty sweet set-up. with the winter olympics being on i thought we should try figure skating. we didn’t actually have skates or parental supervision so we opted for the next best thing: her older brother’s rollerblades. being the badass that i am i stepped on to the ice first- falling through, gasping for air and becoming submerged in ice water. because i was wearing GIGANTIC rollerblades that when wet weighed in at about 10lbs each I was fucked. i couldn’t get out- it was the closest thing to a near-death experience i’ve had to date.

rebuttle

oh hey chim chim! ever seen this?

just incase...

i cant hang out with you tonight because i will be here.

lollapalosers 2008.

below is a boring lollapalooza post outlining some of my favorite moments of the weekend. it’s filled with silly inside jokes that aren’t cleaver or witty. i plan on following this post with something much more appealing to the general public, it's going be so funny you wont know what to do with yourself.

for those of you who did have the pleasure of attending lolla, you may enjoy some of these little gems. pictures soon to follow...

sharing sunglasses with andrew vanwyngarden.
a perfectly planned bus ride every afternoon.
chuck dropping his phone in the porta-potty.
free sandwiches.
18 year olds.
16 year olds.
chuck dropping his phone in the porta-potty.
running into ever single kickballer in the world.
my panther tat.
applying my panther tat during wilco.
guest appearances.
dj momjeans.
bachelorette parties.
saMANtha “dance party” on our portable “dance floor.”
lindsay lohan spotting.
chuck dropping his phone in the porta-potty.
hot man with the handicap.
jacobs. fucking. hat.

in my outlook.

cupcakes, glitter, love shrines, crafts.

quite possibly the greatest e-mail subject line ever.