i almost died once.

i used to think kelly propt from down the street was the shit. my fondest memory of kelly was on a hot summer day when we were playing house in her basement. i really had to pee so i headed upstairs, she told me to meet her outside when i was done. i went out-back and saw her struggling to roll a large picnic cooler across the grass. i parked myself next to the cooler, watched her open it up and a rabid cat jumped out and franticly started running around in circles. she told me she found it a few days earlier and had been hiding it from her parents. in the cooler. for 3 days. if i liked cats i probably would have said something to her mom. instead i just let it go. she kept it for about 2 weeks before the thing bit her and ran off. she probably deserved it.

the only time i ever tried to steal an animal was when i was living in ohio. my best friend emily lived next door to a peacock farm so we would always steal feathers and parade them around for weeks. we tried to steal a peacock once. we got caught. a week later we went back and stole 3 peacock eggs…they never hatched.

i think my best childhood memories were spent with emily, i’m starting to think it’s because she’s the only person who was equally as weird as I was at the ripe age of 6.

i used to make her play phantom of the opera with me. mind you, i had never seen the show, she had never seen the show, but we were OBSESSED. i of course ALWAYS played christine daae- she hated me for this. being cast as the role of christine meant i got to wear the better costume. i’m such a bitch.

i once made emily go ice skating with me. she lived on a few acres of land and her dad had built a man-made pool the summer before, it was a pretty sweet set-up. with the winter olympics being on i thought we should try figure skating. we didn’t actually have skates or parental supervision so we opted for the next best thing: her older brother’s rollerblades. being the badass that i am i stepped on to the ice first- falling through, gasping for air and becoming submerged in ice water. because i was wearing GIGANTIC rollerblades that when wet weighed in at about 10lbs each I was fucked. i couldn’t get out- it was the closest thing to a near-death experience i’ve had to date.